June 16, 2011
“If the weather is warming after a period of cold weather, people are going to see more raccoons." - Gordon Batcheller, wildlife biologist
If there is one thing I learned after engaging in head-to-head warfare with raccoons in our back yard recently, it is this. You can't beat a raccoon at its own game.
Do you ever lie in bed at night thinking, "I wish I could annoy raccoons as much as they do me?"
It's pathetic, but lately, that is what I do and what many of my neighbors do as well.
It's not so much that we don't like the furry bear-like bandits with the cute little Zorro masks; we do, from afar.
Just not in our backyards.
Why, you ask?
Because after our city finished installing a new sewer line, the city fathers graciously sodded our backyards. We loved it, and apparently so did the raccoons.
At first I blamed the damaged turf we found each and every morning on skunks. They are known to dig small, shallow holes in lawns as they forage for grubs.
These were no small holes, however. Instead, we found our sod turned over into perfectly tight "carpet rolls" overnight, every night.
No skunk can do that, I decided. This is the craziest thing I ever saw, I grumbled, and began to research the situation. So did my neighbors.
Turns out, the culprit was a raccoon.
Did you know that a raccoon's hands are so nimble they can unlace a shoe, unlatch a cage and deftly retrieve coins as thin as dimes from your shirt pocket? A learned that online from "Fun Facts about Raccoons".
Their little hands are so nimble, in fact, that they can lift and roll sod with the best of them.
Sounds as though raccoons are amazingly adaptable and have probably benefited more from the presence of humans than not.
They certainly have in our yard.
I say 'they' because we do not have just one raccoon but a nursery or gaze of raccoons, as groups of these critters are called.
Some say that after an especially harsh winter, raccoons are known to band together. Our backyard is living proof.
So much for the theory that Procyon Lotor (scientific name for raccoons) are territorial and that a female stays close to her den and a loner male marks a territory of 100 acres with no other males allowed.
The local animal control officer said we could have tens and tens of them up and down our nearby creek. He set cages and caught a few. I wonder if he will relocate them to our beautiful city lake area and golf course where they can continue making perfect sod carpet rolls to their hearts content along the fairways and greens.
What a great relocation program that would be for the raccoons, that is, but don't tell the groundskeeper.
Meanwhile, the onslaught of raccoons did not subside much.
They are indeed living up to their nickname 'bandits', and you will never convince me they are not forming teams to overcome any obstacles we throw in their path.
We tried everything: strobe lights, loud music, plastic great horned owls and constant "rain" from lawn sprinklers.
Each time, advantage raccoon.
We lose, we give up.
Our dilemma brings to mind the 1980 movie Caddyshack in which one of the characters rigs the golf course with explosives to get rid of a pesky gopher. He succeeds in blowing up the course all right, but afterwards, the gopher emerges unharmed dancing to Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright".
I have seen that movie in more ways than one.
Admittedly, we did not annoy the raccoons much, but as John Kelly of the Washington Post once quipped, "There are a lot of annoyed squirrels out there."
